So here I am, back in New Jersey, kinda inspired just to write. Weirdest thing ever, right? I’m not a creative person by any means, but I just felt a lot of pent up feelings and emotions that I just wanted to get out. So here I am, baggy sweatshirt and no pants on and it’s almost midnight. For once, I’m completely sober.
So.. Hi.
I’m Riley
I’m a few weeks shy of my 21st birthday.
I’m in the Army and I’m also a student at WVU.
I don’t feel particularly motivated, hardly ever.
LEMME TELL YOU WHY:
I hate college. I hate it so much. I hate how much it costs. I hate the pointless classes. I hate the big classrooms where I cannot seem to concentrate worth a damn. I feel like I can never retain anything. I never see the use in going to classes. I hate it ALL.
I took a semester off from college last year to do the whole Army thing. I became a medic and felt a strong passion for medicine and saving lives. Everything I learned mattered. A lot of the deaths you see on the battlefield are preventable. Most are due to hemorrhaging, then shock, and then some other shit that you probably don’t care about. However, at the end of my training, I felt like the knowledge I had gained mattered for once.
Fast forward to this past fall semester and I hated it. I didn’t see the use in half of it. Cells were going to multiply whether I knew about their actions or not. Our phones contain calculators now, so what’s the point? My classes, in my humble opinion, did not have a lasting affect on my career longterm so I didn’t feel the need to retain most information. It just seemed like a few thousand dollars going towards a piece of paper that says I learned something. Now I know most people excel in college and thrive and I’m not discrediting anyones education, I’m just saying that I don’t see the point in paying all this money and jumping through all these hoops to determine whether or not I can perform a job or duty. I joined the military SO I could afford the education and the hoops to one day become a successful surgeon in orthopedics. Crazy, right? Here I am, regretting even going to college. I’ll admit that I don’t try very hard in college. I’m not motivated and I don’t see it going anywhere. Now it’s 2018 and I’m still far behind my classmates and completely stuck in a mothafuckin rut. I took a retainment course for medics at the end of January 2018 and the LTC said something that continues to resonate with me. He said that a bachelors degree used to be the gold standard. Now, a graduate, fresh out of a 4 year degree in some broad (or not so broad) major and he/she is looking for a job to kickstart her career. But what does she offer besides her degree? A summer internship? A few jobs that helped fund her partying and eating during the winter months? What sets her apart from every other applicant? NOW OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE CRAZY EXTRAORDINARY CASES AND SHIT, but come on. It’s wild out in most job fields, a barren wasteland.
Now since you’ve gathered my lovely, narcissistic opinion of higher education, look at my mother. She’s the pinnacle of success in my eyes. She graduated with two bachelor degrees and a 3.8 GPA. She had me and my father died when I was very young. She never remarried. She worked in the white house and for many other big insurance agencies and bought a house all by herself while taking care of me. She’s amazing. She’s extremely hardworking and driven. But I’m on a different path, and I don’t think she understands that. I cannot do the cookie cutter life. I want a challenging and fun job. She, no offense to her, absolutely hates her job. She struggles with the thought of me dropping out of college and finding another way to becoming successful. She’s very supportive, don’t get me wrong, but she always said college. No if’s, ands, or buts. Now I gotta whole lot of ifs, ands, and buts. She hangs a lot of stuff over my head, yet drags me down when I try to pave ways to new things. It’s awful. It’s hurtful. It’s humiliating. It’s suffocating. I feel as though no matter what I do, she will be there to criticize and judge. Everything I do will always fall short of a degree I could’ve had. But there is so much more to my life than college. There’s so much for me to do and to try and to experience.
I’m stuck.
I’m depressed because nothing truly excites me anymore and I get harassed for it. I’m not passionate in my schooling and my grades reflect that.
Advice?
